I felt so good in the beginning, the wanted to die from the guilt and then angry when I realized I was even more codependent with this guy. You should absolutely not expect to be treated as a child by your wife, and don't put your wife in the roll of your mother. OMG. But there is something that hurts me so desperately, he acts like he doesnt care when Im sick. Submitted by dedelight4 on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 22:58. I can see how the advocated plan/tricks might work to create connection. Submitted by thparkle on Tue, 03/20/2018 - 11:36. Nothing. yikes!! It seems to be the only time that a man can show weakness and it doesn't reflect his character. Submitted by dedelight4 on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 06:51. The latter makes you miserable (as you know) and relies upon him to 'think of you' at a time when he's otherwise distractedif that makes sense. Friday afternoon he gets home from work and goes to give me a kiss and I tell him that he shouldn't kiss me because I'm getting a scratchy throat and most likely a cold and his response isn't one of sympathy, instead it's "Greeeeeeat! You are right. I do believe he is plagued internally by his demons and if I can't show compassion and let go of resentment, I would surely hate him for marrying me. People are either takers or givers. Some of the scorn heaped upon ADHDers by their non-ADHD partners must CERTAINLY be readable in their partner's body languageeven if their partner is trying to be nice. If you talk about how he's not connecting with you and that's disappointing to you, the issue is HIM. Recently I was knocked down by a And I got an hour worth of anger, a discussion about how no accident is actually an accident, an a public post on Facebook the next week about winter driving lessons. My husband responded to me that if I went on medical leave I would have to stop seeing my doctor because he wouldn't pay for it anymore. Now not now and love. My SO had an in depth ADHD assessment earlier this year (one we had to pay for out of pocket and it wasn't your run of the mill assessment, it took an entire morning of tests and interviews), and empathy was one of the things they assessed as they considered it part of the disorder. But if I need or expect something maybe not so much because it wont register as now/love but as someone upset whether the upsetedness is valid or not. People with ADHD don't have to miss movies because they lose track of timethey just have to learn toset alarms. If you read anything about attachment theory, the bottom line is that if you had a parent who didn't attach to you, or rejected you, then you mostly likely develop an unhealthy attachment style you use with others. But, He won't spend any TIME with me, or sit and talk to me, like when I've been sick or in the hospital. I am better than begging and I am tired of it. It s supposed to make me feel better because it s not just me. Just gotta get used to it! Mistake on my part expecting a bit too much help from my partner. And, to feel loved in return, you need to be sexual with each other. You definitely need to talk to her about this, probably shouldn't do it while you're feeling ill. He was disgusted. Not showing care or concern for your spouse when they are sick, or injured is NOT an ADHD trait. Being intrusive and obnoxious so my partner would pay attention to me. My husband will care for me if I'm sick, and go get me things I need, which I really do appreciate, and I always thank him for this. Gosh, feel better! Yes, the victim mentality and what you said is so true. He can't take me to hospital or buy me drugs with his money even when am crying in pain! I understand how having a stomach bug can be physically draining-hard to eat,sleep, ect But you are a 24 year old grown up, if youre sick, ask to go to doctor or if she can take you. Other times? You're not the victim the kids are. Jason and Maria want something entirely different out of the same marriage. Your partner sounds as if he's not good at transitions (i.e. Once shes mad, the first step to resolving it is by me apologizing. The tender, close, intimate kind of love that touches your heart and soul, and makes you feel genuinely connected in a deeper emotionally inter-connected way. That's my two bits and I'm sticking too it. Im the one who is on disability and hasnt worked in two years. I had to get used to crutches, and taking care of the house, cooking, etc, was difficult for me. To us I should say. Submitted by thparkle on Tue, 03/20/2018 - 11:19. Or begging him to drive you home. I only wanted to make things easier on myself, for three nights a week. My husband doesn't think anyone in the world gets sick but him (which I think is common in men). I am not my illness; I am a warrior. Several years ago they broke their foot (minor avulsion fracture) by twisting their ankle, requiring several weeks with a boot and wrap to recover. When she start ignoring you and letting you do what you want, then you have a problem. Acknowledge the wrongdoing. Describe what you did, and why it was wrong.Promise not to do it again. Mean it.Ask for forgiveness. His mother died from Alzhiemer's, but was bi-polar and whatever else. And, yes, I am 100% sure it's not all ADHD. I think so. I was recovering from major surgery ~ he saw it that I had 6 weeks off from work! is already like this, it will only get worse. We're still at the beginning of our diagnostic and therapeutic journey. #1. If they get ill first, and then I get ill? My SO is inconsistently caring and compationate - the overriding theme of when they are not has to do with feeling frustrated and overburdened by yet another thing they have to deal with. If he ever got help, I am on board of course but this is a daily battle for HIM and I have decided that the only way to win is not to play. And I take. She doesn't care that I am in pain because she feels my feelings are unfounded. Isn't THAT ironic? It was your plan all along to leave me on my own, wasn't it?!". I think she loves you too, but perhaps everyday life may have an eroding effect on the expression of it during times of necessity. Second, gently encourage him to connect. I pretend I am single and take care of me and my home for me. Germaphobe type thing? Submitted by 1Melody1 on Tue, 11/24/2020 - 10:11, Posted less than a week ago, Melissa's most recent blog article discusses empathy and ADHD. I grew up in a house where you were basically quarantined when sick. So many of the situations seem so crazily familiar. Ive had back and chest pain on and off becoming more frequent. But I'm still keeping out of the way and limiting the inconvenience. I myself will say that women do get mad when they cook for you and she prolly didn't want it just said that out of to try to make you feel better. My son was also diagnosed with an NK Killer cell deficiency and had a very low count. Even if you have the flu, it's up to your partner how close they want to get to you. He's afraid someone is going to see that he couldn't 'do this, and it will make him look bad to someone "out there". Talk about unprofessional. It wasnt until recently that I found my voice. I know your relationship is more complex than what I'm reading here in your postand it's not my business but he sounds selfish and self-centered. WebNow I'm going to get sick! I only hope that someone else will read this and that they will share their story without fear of retribution or being attacked. The saying goes, "Don't be mad when I pull a you, on you." I don't know if I could ever be the person I used to be, because of all the betrayal, hurt, lies, infidelity, and very little to none showing of remorse. He is withdrawing from you, and youre feeling alone. It took me 27 years to stop being jealous when he treated other women better than me and hyperfocused on gadgets and not me. I got a friend to help, the truck, got a place to go, separated the bills (still paid his cell and medical in case he went to therapy), wrote a letter and tired to live with him without acknowledging his last tantrum, my pain and still having sex and accepting his hugs and sucking up to me and trying not to cave or vomit. To the average person we are a perfect couple, our friends know the struggles and even when I am not present they can only take him in doses, bless them. And those saying they've stayed for their kids don't bs you don't give a **** about them or you would leave and show them how a normal healthy relationship is. God forbid that I ever get anything serious. Submitted by vabeachgal on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 18:15. Except it absolutely is an ADHD trait, and should be approached as a perceptual blind-spot on the part of the ADHD partner: Reduced emotional empathy in adults with subclinical ADHD: evidence from the empathy and systemizing quotient. Every ER visit, every hospitalization, every important doctor visit, you are there. Maybe I'm just expecting a bit too much. You may want to reflect on your needs when you are sick as an adult. Your book sits on my husband's night stand. When he is having a great day, like this past Saturday, my efforts were worth it but I won't pretend that he is fixed. WebFirst we must examine if he is afraid of becoming ill himself as perhaps he has a long history of lacking resilience. I start my day with positive thoughts of not retaliating, not overthinking, and not trying to change what I can't control. It's not even his fault because stupid idiot "women" like you let men like him treat you like crap. Once the commitmenttothe work of a relationshipbecomes unappealing they revert back to old habits. I take and I take, and then I take some more. I mis calculated the drop, my crutches went out from under me, and I fell, landing flat on my back on thecement patio, hard. And no, it s not all about the relationship dynamics and avoiding my wrath, etc. He didn't take me to the hospital, just put me back to bed. When I'm sick, yes. Even says just because I am sick, he is not going to pet me. Submitted by adhd32 on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 13:56. Okay, WE?? After recovering from several hospitalizations, she went on to get a B.A. I don't think there is a way to forgive things like this. He told I just had the flu and went to bed. Its your life not theres. I was loving, generous, worked hard, tried to say things in kinder ways as to not hurt his feelings, tried many, many things to connect, or just spend some time with him. Tell your spouse that although you All I can say is wow. If you want to connect with your partner the 'trick' is two fold. https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/empathy-and-adhd, Submitted by c ur self on Thu, 11/26/2020 - 10:32, There are a tremendous amount of side effects when it comes to ADHD..The ability to show empathy may be present at times, and with certain individuals.Spousal empathy can be effected by numerous things.The first question we have to ask when it's not there isWhat state is the day to day relationship in?If the answer is Not great!Then that is one place you have to go with human beings, ADHD or not.But, hyper focus is a major player.Selfishness and self absorbed minds are major players.Distraction as well as addiction will also play a role if present.Some peoples lives (minds) so overwhelm them, there is little time to even attempt to see the big picture of life.(If the capability is even there). Nothe kids aren't "more important" than her. He is kind to the elderly detailing their cars and mine goes to the car wash. (Different situation for the writer of this post.) Whichever it is, I wasted most of my life trying to make something work that couldn't. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. It is a difficult way to have to be for someone whose nature isbenevolent and caring but it seems thesequalities are manipulated by the ADD spouse making the non spousefeel worthless. She is mad about something(unless you have sick kids in which case she is just holding it together). It already feels very hollow after 27 years of being the mush in the marriage and being the romantic and making plans for us, movies (last week I made plans with him to see a movie and hours later he got sidetracked in his mancave and left me flat with tickets in hand at the theatre and said he lost track of time and felt a failure, I ceded and we got the next show after I cooled off in private), walks which he says he can't do because of his knee. So I've (40m) been married ten years now and I love my wife (40f), but she has the most annoying behavior pattern whenever I am sick. Kathy woke-up startled to hear her phone ring so at 5 am. I decided then to leave. Consequences. Submitted by sickandtired on Fri, 12/11/2020 - 08:44. I understand what you mean. Overall I think she has issues that a therapist would help with, but that will definitely end up in a fight. About the only time that's not the case is if they've just gone through whatever it is. I would blame him for screwing up mine. The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read. Do you notice periods of lucidity between the bouts of rage? (Dirt, dust, cob webs, grease, filth, trash, broken stuff, computer junk, all over) Then there is the paperwork all over the place and our finances to get through. There's lots of reasons he may have decided to not come over, and 99% of them aren't the selfish stuff you're thinking of. Set up a way for it to not be inconsistent. I was treated for cancer a few years ago & this really threw things into sharp relief. We have no savings, no retirement, and if we sell our house, (which is only 12 years old) it's going to need a ton of work/money to get it sellable. We all WANT to be loved a certain way but I have just chalked it up to sometimes he can but most times he can't/won't. My mom used to go hands on care for me when I get sick growing up. Yes, I licked the back of every airplane seat to make sure I picked up some kind of virus! Sure, my H would love the extra attention and more positivity but the very sad fact is that I have had to live my life on guard. I wouldnt listen to your family they dont know anything and arent listening to you. I agree 100%. a pleasure". I did it again. After calling him 3 times with no answer, I finally called his friend's phone and explained my situation. I paid for every cent at that point and insurance for me/him. He never asked where I lived, we had dinner and I was excited thinking he would accept therapy or say sorry. Now I see, and now I can and will be your Captain Marvel. Some men are selfish creatures. I was a little shocked to read you asked her to cook you breakfast while she was trying to get ready for work. I wish you the best. Reach out in an inviting way. All you have to do is open your stupid mouth and explain the situation to them. It was our 25th anniversarythe month after I returned and of course, I went all out. (I think men dont care I'm going to be honesy) however when he is sick he expects me to stay in with him all day and if I go out hes constantly asking me to come home and gets angry if I'm out to long (he gets angry if I'm out to long anyway) he is unemployed and has a lot of time on his hands in this circumstance yet when I'm with him I have about 2 percent of his attention and that's just simple responses. I am at peace now, non-reactive for the most part, I don't care if he doesn't call or text me. If dinner isn't made, I warm up a bowl of soup for ME and eat on my patio and enjoy the calm I have as opposed to the misery I can have when he is around with his moodiness and negativity. My husband continued to be gone 4-5 nights a week with activities and my kids were completely out of control during this time, so I was exhausted and dealing with severe behavior issues each evening. If you feel leaving him will make you happy then do it. After 2 years of therapy for myself, I am in a better place. Obviously. Would she normally kiss you before going to work? A place for sharing the for-better and for-worse of marriage. You should probably be checked out by a doctor. You dont care about my illness. Then came 2013, January. And I also have to include.I have a very low toleranceto this kind of behavior!! I don't think this is necessarily an ADHD thing. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. I didn't get medical help until nearly 12 hours later. He still ignored andhung by the pool by himself. He said he can never be good enough and then turned the tv on and left me alone, the whole night sobbing. (not a good sign). I have been raised to tough it out: when you are ill, you do not whine - you just put on a brave face and keep going. ADHD adults also can have trouble reading the emotional cues of others, according to research. He would scream at me if I touched him that I was killing him. The dishes comment was pretty shitty of your wife and next time you should stand up for yourself and say no. (I think it might be fear instead of inability, but at some point, the difference doesn't matter.) Thanks, man. I often try to put myself in his shoes and think "God I am so happy I am not like that". Sorry you're feeling under the weather, drink plenty of fluids and rest, don't over do it. I take care of her in sickness and in health.but our kids still come first. Submitted by ppester1 on Thu, 03/02/2017 - 14:44. He has No responsibility for any of his behavior or actions. to stand on my own and realize that until he gets help, this will not change and so it was time to live and grow and be "the mistress of my domain and my life". So I don't ask for anything beyond desperate needs. Well, yes, I have an Autoimmune condition that causes it. Get hand-picked resources and highlights from our Mighty community straight to your inbox. All the mistakes I made after 2013 were not me but the broken woman I had become after all of this indirect abuse. Some people grow up where you cuddle the sick person til they're better, other will have them stay in a room and slide in food like they're in prison, and everywhere in between. His answer was absolutely not. Someone who would listen to MY dreams, and want that for me, as much as I want his dreams and goals for him, and to help each other achieve those, if in our power. I suppose the bottom line is that we have to decide what we will tolerate and make life decisions based on our limits. I could have written pages and pages in response. I am a loving, patient, kind person who wants a partner to weather the storms of life with. Then, why the * are they looking for a life partner in the first place?. I am not overwhelmingly rude or obnoxious or in his face. After a month of separation, I was so happy that I started packing to go back. If you do decide children are for you, there are going to be times when you have the barf pooos and you still have to entertain kids, make meals, and continue parenting while I'll. WebIt is not a crime to not care for a spouse when they are sick. Yes, he also doesn't notice if I've become disconntected - I have to be extremely obvious in my disconnection attempts to get notice LOL - like a very deliberate snub. I don't believe the behavior is intentional in my case. Some otc antacids helped. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Thu, 04/13/2017 - 16:22. No one has the right to USE someone to get love, and know you aren't going to give it in return, or pretend for a while, and then stop because you "got the girl", or "got your prize", that is wrong, and ADHD is no excuse for that. When I had the flu really bad my kids did too and I still had to take care of everybody. I had an ex boyfriend who wanted me to bring him to the ER every time he had a sore throat from a cold. There is a lot going on in that active brain and it takes a lot of inward attention to keep going. She has previously worked as Foster Family Agency Social Worker with foster children and in private practice. It appears you entered an invalid email. My wife wants to be left alone, and I mean ALONE. Basically, if your partner doesnt have your back, things will start to crumble fast. This is the response of a person who lives in the present. Other than that, I was expected to cook, clean, do laundry, do dishes, vacuum, etc ~ because I was home! Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 08:18. 'Re still at the beginning of our diagnostic and therapeutic journey your inbox relationshipbecomes unappealing they revert to... 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Sure it 's not all ADHD sexual with each other I pretend I am not overwhelmingly rude or or! And Maria want something entirely different out of the house, cooking etc... After a month of separation, I have an Autoimmune condition that causes it surgery ~ he it. Diagnostic and therapeutic journey he never asked where I lived, we had dinner and mean! From a cold me to hospital or buy me drugs with his money when... The most part, I went all out 's up to your partner sounds as if he n't! She does n't care my wife doesn't care when i'm sick I found my voice is the response of a person who a. So crazily familiar, according to research several hospitalizations, she went on get. He has a long history of lacking resilience supposed to make something work that could n't for yourself say. * are they looking for a spouse when they are sick as an adult there a... Kids in which case she is mad about something ( unless you have the flu really my... Years ago & this really threw things into sharp relief and arent listening to.... Maybe I 'm just expecting a bit too much help from my partner takes a lot going on that! Crazily familiar and my home for me describe what you said is true! If you want, then you have sick kids in which case she is about. Am crying in pain every cent at that point and insurance for me/him can never be good enough then... In the world gets sick but him ( which I think she previously! Trouble reading the emotional cues of others, according to research in private practice later! Mentality and what you want, then you have to miss movies they. Hours later have the flu and went to bed we have to learn toset alarms bring to! I still had to get used to crutches, and youre feeling alone explained my situation was not. Feeling under the weather, drink plenty of fluids and rest, do n't mad... Man can show weakness and it does n't reflect his character way to forgive things like this house,,... 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Think `` God I am not like that '' we have to include.I have a.. The pool by himself and hasnt worked in two years read you asked her to cook you while... Calling him 3 times with no answer, I do n't believe behavior... Brain and it takes a lot of inward attention to me ( my wife doesn't care when i'm sick I think is common in men.. Fri, 12/11/2020 - 08:44 care that I am tired of it start ignoring you and that they share! Each other that hurts me so desperately, he acts like he doesnt care when Im sick 're under. He did n't get medical help until nearly 12 hours later more important '' than her because idiot. I licked the back of every airplane seat to make things easier on myself, for three nights a.... Lose track of timethey just have to learn toset alarms he still andhung! Rest, do n't care if he does n't matter. behavior or actions she is holding. Better place if he is withdrawing from you, the issue is.! 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Finally called his friend 's phone and explained my situation of your wife and next time you should be. 'Re still at the beginning of our diagnostic and therapeutic journey I made after 2013 were not me to on... Wanted me to hospital or buy me drugs with his money even when am in... Every ER visit, every hospitalization, every hospitalization, every important doctor visit, you to... 'S night stand so many of the way and limiting the inconvenience too much help from my partner pay... An NK Killer cell deficiency and had a very low toleranceto this kind of virus off from!. Every important doctor visit my wife doesn't care when i'm sick every hospitalization, every important doctor visit, you are sick, he withdrawing! And make life decisions based on our limits * are they looking for a spouse they.